Romance is not essentially love. In romantic depictions of love, cute little pictures of cherubs and cupboards abound. But Cupid, in his real avatar, is not so cute and padded. Their arrows can create deep and permanent wounds, and can make you blind and irrational in a heartbeat. Some disaster-filled run-ins with Cupid’s dart and you can easily believe that love will never work for you.
Even if you take responsibility for your own life in most ways and handle most work and social situations successfully, when it comes to intimate relationships you may feel helpless and out of control. You may find yourself looking needlessly at someone who is not available or uninterested, or even feeling so needy and helpless that you are unable to protect yourself when you are criticized, abused, or humiliated Occur. It is a very painful experience when a romantic relationship with the partner that you hope and expect will provide you with love, happiness and the fulfillment of our dreams that turn into a miserable, hopeless and hopeless failure.
A Dependent Image of Love
When it comes to love, it’s easy to forget how to think clearly, because we have all been bombarded with images that imply love and dependency are the same thing:
• Lovers should depend on each other to supply their needs, to take care of them and “make it better”,
• Lovers should need each other “You are my happiness, I’d die without you”
• Lovers are incomplete without each other, and that two should “become one”-losing their individual personalities, friends, interests and opinions in the process.
This dependent image of love has been reinforced for generations by songs, poems, plays, books, films, and television soap operas, which have celebrated a dependent model of loving relationships with need, frustration, and the idea that only love (one From ideal partner) can make life better. It is considered “ideal lover”:
• Love you no matter how unreasonable you are,
• Always be there when you want or need him or her,
• Always know exactly how to sooth your hurts,
• Always know (and be prepared to give you) precisely what you want (even if you’re not sure yourself), and
• Put your needs before his or her own needs.
This “romantic” image of love sounds good, but although it seems exciting and fulfilling at first, such a relationship cannot flourish. Since no one else can ever care for you as well as you can yourself (they can’t know your needs and wants as well as you do, they can’t tell what their care-taking feels like to you, and they also have their hands full with their own needs), one or both of you will wind up feeling ripped off, used, neglected, unloved, and generally dissatisfied.
The romantic ideal creates dysfunctional relationships, in which the ground rules are:
• You can’t talk about it (it might upset the other person),
• It’s hopeless (since you can’t talk about it, you can’t solve it together), and
• We’re both helpless (we can’t control our own behavior, or outbursts of anger, or make effective choices).
Partner as Parent
In part, we have unrealistic fantasies about love because our first experience (and basic model) of intimate relationships was with parents who took care of us as children (and perhaps did not encourage us to become self-sufficient and responsible); or with parents who were not fully there to take care of us (as we knew they should).
Whereas, on the surface, we are looking for someone we can enjoy and have fun with, our dependent, romantic inner self is secretly searching for a parent — someone who Will take care of us, improve our old wounds, take care of our feelings, and accept us for who we are. If you, like so many people, come from a family where you have to face rejection or abandonment at an early age, when you start looking for a romantic partner, all too often, you’ll have a choice mother. -Fathers are found who are like real parents who are below you, and you repeat the old, subconscious pattern.
If you and your partner are fighting over silly things, if one or both of you suddenly “flares up” or becomes angry and the other person does not understand it, or if you are very dissatisfied and restless in your relationship If you feel it, consider it or you both may have some confusion about the difference between parental love and similar partners.
A Mature Model of Love
When you look at the dependent, childish view of love, and use more adult models, you’ll get a different picture of family love. Mature love is mutually caring, mutually and mutually responsible, without the dependent, needy or controlled imbalance of power present in the child / parent model. When you take the responsibility of making love mutually satisfying, and expect the same maturity, responsibility and respect from your partner, you can achieve and deliver love to the fullest, while maintaining your sense of self-esteem and competence. Increase the power of